Open Letter to an Ex...Thank You!

I've been needing to get this out for a while, so I'm going to go ahead. This is an open letter to an ex-boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he'll never see it, but there's a lot that I wish I could say to him, just for closure's sake.

Life's changed so much for the both of us, and I really hope your life is happy. Mine is getting better every day, but not sure you'd even care. What I really want to tell you is this: I wasn't in a good place in my life when I met you, and I wish you could see the person I am today. The woman I am today is still self-conscious about her looks, but she's losing weight and becoming more confident with every pound shed. The woman I am today isn't afraid her man is cheating on her with someone else. I'm no longer feeling like I have to say "I love you" two or three days into a relationship just because a guy says it (and the guys I associate with don't just jump into something that quickly!). I'm no longer having panic attacks from merely going to the grocery store (even though I still despise it!) or worrying about my boyfriend not calling me all weekend. I still enjoy taking care of a guy; I thought after our relationship ended I would never do a thing for another man, but I can't change that part of my being. The biggest-and most important!-thing I want you to know is that your comments about my weight (when you were obviously VERY overweight) only gave me more fuel to succeed, and for that I thank you. I'm no longer the weak, scared, lonely, depressed, fat girl you once loved and called your girlfriend (and yet talked to other women behind my back...ha how funny). I'm a strong, happy, smiley, cheerful, and not-quite-as-fat girl who no longer wants you!

Okay, so that probably sounded a little childish, but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. Happy note since I last posted-I'm down 38 (almost 39!) lbs.! I am kicking it up big time, because I have a month before my grandfather's wedding, and I want to be down 50lbs. by then!

Finally!

Wow it's been a while since I've written. So much has been going on and I kind of neglected this. First off, I started my new job! Sept. 4 was my first "official" day, but I had to go in the night before to prepare for the next day. I love my job (I'm a supervisor for Aramark, which handles the concessions for UGA games), and I met a lot of awesome people, but BOY is it hard work! Actually the work isn't so hard; it's having to get up at 4:15 a.m. that's hard, and then working 13 hours. I sat down for about 5 minutes 2 different times, and one of the times I did sit down, my boss walked by. Nice, huh? I just smiled and said hi. Why couldn't he have walked by when I was working my ass off?! The only reason I was even sitting down is because the lady I was working with had instructed me to take a break because "you'll get burnt out if you don't." Was she ever right...by the end of the day, my blood sugar got so low that I almost passed out. I'm not a diabetic, but the combination of heat, dehydration (I had been drinking mainly Diet Coke all day, and not once needed to go to the bathroom), and barely eating caught up with me quick. I broke ALL my eating rules and quickly consumed a leftover hot dog. Gross. But at that moment, it was the best tasting thing I'd ever had, so I really didn't care. I felt better after that, and was able to finish my duties with no problems. I learned a few valuable lessons that day, though. 1-I definitely have to eat more. For breakfast I had just eaten a 100-calorie granola bar. Not the smartest idea. Now I know to eat some protein-I'll probably make a quick breakfast egg mug of low-fat cheese, turkey sausage, and egg whites, along with a piece of wheat toast. 2-I HAVE to drink water, and lots of it! Diet Coke tasted good, sure, but offered nothing to my body whatsoever. 3-Shoes can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I wore Nike Shox, and those things are BITCHES. They are NOT comfortable. My feet ached all day, to the point where I was almost in tears. My dad felt bad about it, and went and bought me a new pair of Asics (which are supposedly really comfortable) this week. I know after being on my feet for 13 hours that they will hurt some, but hopefully they'll keep my feet a little more comfortable.

Enough about the job, though. My weight has pretty much held steady. I'm still down 35lbs. This frustrates me beyond belief sometimes. I try so hard, and then nothing happens. This past week, I definitely ate more, though. I was constantly starving, and while I didn't eat "bad" foods, I ate more of the healthy stuff than I should have. By the end of the week, though, I had gotten beyond that.

I had a complete and utter meltdown on Friday night. It wasn't pretty, and yes, I'm ashamed. My mom and I had dinner with my grandfather and his fiancee, and then she and I went shopping afterward. We went to Kohl's, with the intent of buying dresses to wear to my grandfather's wedding in October. My mom and I both tried on this cute dress, her in the solid purple one, and me in the purple/white/black version. I didn't like the way it looked on me at all, but it was adorable on her, so she got it! In.a.freaking.SMALL. Ugh lol. I had also picked out this ADORABLE lacy strapless black and cream-colored dress. The largest size they had-a 16-would not zip up. I was devastated. It was one of the smaller-fitting brands (Elle) that Kohl's carries, but that still didn't make me feel any better. Mom tried to make me feel better by saying that it probably wasn't an appropriate dress for the wedding anyway, but I argued that I could've worn a jacket over it and it would have been. Once we got out in the car, I burst into tears. I said some choice words, and it definitely didn't help the situation. Not being able to fit into the dress made me realize how far I still have to go. 35lbs. is a lot of weight to the average person, but to someone who's as overweight as I am, it's really just a drop of rain in a huge lake. I still have 72lbs. to lose before I reach my "healthy" goal, and 20 more lbs. after that before I reach my "vanity" goal. I won't mind not reaching the vanity goal, but the healthy goal is one that I have no choice but to reach. My short-term goal of the moment is to hit 50lbs. lost before my grandfather's wedding on Oct. 23. I'm only 15lbs. away from that. To be have lost 50lbs. would be huge to me.

I want to end this post on a positive note, I promise. For all the whining I did about not being able to fit into things, I did have some victories on Sat. night. My mom and I went to Old Navy, and I got THE cutest faux-fur vest. I've never wanted something like that, but it was cheap (only $25) and I figured I could wear it with several things this fall. My current obsession is button-down shirts. I've never liked them until here recently, and now I can't get enough! Old Navy has a ton of new ones out (I got a longer tunic one last night, and it's beyond adorable!), all at reasonable prices. Now all I have to do is find a darned dress for that wedding!!

What if...

This week, I had set a goal of losing 3lbs. It's not much, but when I've been having weeks where I don't lose, or barely lose, anything, I felt I needed to step it up. When I stepped on the scales this morning, I was so happy to discover that I had indeed lost 3lbs.! I have now lost 35lbs, so only (only...sheesh...that should be reserved for when I have like 5lbs. left) 72 more to go. The closer I get to my goal weight of 150, the more I want to go beyond that. I'm worried that I won't ever be satisfied. Is it human nature to never be perfectly content with everything? I'm afraid that I'll always find things on my body I don't like (like my chin...it's NEVER bothered me until now).

With the weight loss comes other issues, such as the fact that my chest is no longer as big as it once was. This was so graciously pointed out (by a guy, natch), and while I know it's true, I still want reassurance that I'm attractive and wanted.

I saw on People.com this past week that Sarah Rue, a formerly plus-size actress is now a size 6. In my opinion, she was much prettier when she was a little more plump. Yes, maybe it wasn't as healthy, but she just doesn't look like herself at that size. I know you're thinking, "Duh, that's the point", but really...what if I'm like that? I've heard comments like oh, "Don't get too skinny" or "You'll look scary at 150", with that last statement coming from my mother. I know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but really-what if I don't look right at a smaller size?

I know these are a lot of "what ifs", and I'm not even close to my goal yet, but realistically I have to start thinking about what a huge change this is. I've heard of people losing the weight, and yet still mentally thinking they're fat, and even seeing themselves as being bigger than they are. I don't want to be that girl.

Salad/Zalad...whatever you call it-I just call it yummy

It's been a while since I posted about what I'm cooking, so I figured now would be a good time. The truth is, I haven't been cooking nearly as much as I should. Zaxby's salads (or "zalads" lol) are so easy when I don't feel like cooking. I don't eat the bread that comes with it, nor do I get their cheese on it (and I always choose grilled chicken!). I am guilty of not leaving the fried onions off, but as few as they put on it I don't really see the harm in it. I usually opt to use my own fat-free Ranch dressing, but when I don't have it handy, I get their light Ranch and only use one packet. That's been my go-t0 meal at least 2 or 3 times a week here lately. The salads at Chick-fil-a are pretty awesome as well, and their grape tomatoes taste a million times better than the few slices of regular tomatoes Zaxby's puts on theirs. Plus, CFA has this amazing fat-free honey mustard dressing...I find myself wanting to lick the bowl after I'm done (I refrain from doing so, however). I've been making salads at home a lot this week, though, because we got a huge container of baby salad greens from Kroger (ugh) for only about $5. Between my mom and I, we've barely made a dent in it, so I plan on picking the baby spinach out of it tomorrow morning and using it in a frittata, along with some caramelized onions and sharp cheddar cheese.

One indulgence I've discovered is fat-free Cool Whip mixed with butterscotch ice cream topping. The ff Cool Whip only has about 20 calories per serving (I'm thinking it was 2 Tbsp.), and the butterscotch has around 110 (brands vary greatly, so read labels!), so mixed together, they make for a fairly low-cal dessert that's pretty decadent and rich. Not quite as satisfying as chocolate, but me and chocolate are on a break right now, with one exception-Nature Valley has these new Granola Thins. Basically it's a thin square of granola with dark chocolate on one side, and at only 80 calories, it's hardly a splurge. I could go on and on about how amazing they are, but I'll just say you need to check them out if you like granola and dark chocolate (they also have a peanut butter version that's pretty good as well!). Another yummy dessert is a s'more made with 1 Granola Thin and 1 large toasted marshmallow. I made those last night, and all I can say is, you need to try it for yourself!:)

I had been kind of down lately because the weight hasn't been coming off. Mother Nature tortured me last week (and part of this week), but I exercised pretty regularly and watched what I ate more closely...and lo and behold, 2 lbs. are gone! That totally made my whole week! I'm off to try a new recipe-baked chicken strips coated with Frank's Buffalo Hot Sauce...and while I'm at it, I might just crack open a beer to celebrate!

Working Woman:)

I know my last post wasn't exactly weight-related, but it made me reflect back on how much I've changed, so I'm going to kind of continue that theme with this post (at least for part of it!).

I am now at the weight I was 2 1/2 years ago. I realized that the other day. The only differences between then and now is 1-I lost it by pretty much not eating anything, and 2-clothing fits much differently. When I previously weighed what I do now, my grandmother had just passed away, and I didn't feel like doing anything, let alone eating. When I did start eating again, the weight came right back. I could kick myself now for not using that as a springboard to lose more...sigh.

I finally am down 32lbs., though, so that's a "yay!" moment for me. I'm like a little kid on Christmas morning when I see that I've went down a pound or so. I'm not as far along as I'd like to be in terms of weight loss, but I know that slow and steady is the way to go. My goal this week is to work out every single day. I have been really slacking on that lately, but no more. For some reason, I've been lacking motivation. Maybe I need to try on my skinny jeans more often...who knows?

I did get a job this week! It's just part-time; I'll be working all the home (UGA) football games as a supervisor in food services. Before, I would never have imagined myself doing such a physical job (I'll be on my feet and going non-stop for 12+ hours), but now I have no doubt that I'll be able to do it. I have training all afternoon next Saturday, and I'm actually excited about it! I'm hoping to make new friends and also gain some valuable work experience to add to my resume.


I wish I had more good news to put on here...seems like lately I don't have much to say, but hopefully that'll change soon!

Copy Cat!

So a friend had done this on his blog, and it really makes you think. I haven't changed all that much, but in some ways I'm definitely different. It was funny to see what I'd written over a year ago, and some things that I said made me cringe.


My 25 Things About Me from Facebook...with updates underneath them! Originally posted on Facebook in February of 2009.

1. My favorite perfume is Clinique Happy in Bloom, and it's only (usually) available in the spring.

Still LOVE that perfume:).

2. I love seeing the looks on guys' faces when they hear me say that I like sports...PRICELESS:).

It's my signature flirt move to mention I love my sports;)

3. The Baha Men are one of my favorite bands...I first heard them in the movie "My Father the Hero" when I was about 10-11 years old.

Baha Men still make me smile!

4. I LOVE the Tampa Bay Rays!

Finally got to see them play in person in June and it was the most special moment of my life thus far.

5. When my grandma passed away last March, I wouldn't go in to see her the night she died. My family was really irritated with me, with the exception of my mom, because I wouldn't. I wanted to remember my grandma the way I did before she had her heart attack. I don't regret it, and I miss her so much:(.

Still no regrets, and oh how much I continue to miss her.

6. I still secretly hope my brother will marry one of my best friends (Nikki)...I peformed 2 "wedding ceremonies" for them when we were younger!

Pretty much given up on this...sigh.

7. I feel most at "home" when I'm at the beach.

Not quite sure home is anywhere anymore...

8. My mom is one of my best friends. I think our relationship is more important to both of us more than ever since her mom/my grandma passed away.

My mom continues to be one of my best friends, no matter how much we butt heads.

9. My parents met my Ohio best friend's grandparents on vacation 20+ years ago...and we've been friends ever since, even though we usually only see each other once a year:).

Nikki and I now have gone 2 years without seeing each other and it hurts. Big time.

10. I love to make jewelry, and consider it a huge compliment when people ask where I got a particular piece and when I tell them I made it they're shocked.

I have really slacked off on this, but over the weekend made 2 really pretty pieces so maybe I'll get back to doing more!

11. I love living in Athens. It kills me to have to go out to my dad's because it's so far away from everything.

Love=like. I miss South GA:(

12. The only flip-flops I'll wear are Havaianas. They're so comfortable, but people rag me for paying so much for them!

I've found more places that sell my beloved flip-flops (Belk, GAP, LOFT!), and they're the most amazing flip-flops I've ever put on my feet!

13. One of my ex-boyfriends told me that he still loves me and the only reason he won't leave his wife for me is because she would take his child away from him.

I haven't talked to this particular ex-boyfriend since last December, and frankly I'm glad he's no longer a part of my life. He was toxic.

14. I cannot listen to George Strait sing "I Saw God Today" because it brings back memories of when I dated my ex. If I hear it, I turn the station because otherwise I'll burst into tears.

This song still makes me cry:(...so if it plays on my Pandora station, I hit the thumbs-down button so they won't play it.

15. I am somewhat vain and despise going out without my hair and makeup being perfect.

If anything, it's gotten worse. Sigh...can't help it, and not sure I want to, either!

16. I'm the only one out of my close "clique" from high school that isn't either pregnant, engaged, or married. It's kind of disheartening at times, but I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

Nothing's changed there, unfortunately. I would love to find a husband, but I'm concentrating on myself right now, and I know in time the right man will come along. I just pray I'm not too caught up in myself and will give someone a chance.

17. I love vegetarian sushi from RuSan's.

So.Need.This.Soon!!!!!

18. I love good beer...Yuengling and Terrapin are two favorite "everyday" beers.

Nothing's changed there;)...LOOOVE them!

19. My cat loves drinking out of the toilet, and I think it's both disgusting and hilarious at the same time.

Since we moved, he rather drink out of the tub instead. I'm sure it tastes better...not.

20. I LOVE polenta...I dated a UGA food science professor last fall, and he used to make me all sorts of interesting food. His polenta was amazing...too bad his personality wasn't:).

I made peace with Jake (aka I apologized for how I broke things off!). I think it was my personality that needed help at that time. His polenta still is the most amazing stuff I've ever put in my mouth!

21. I think that Rod Stewart is sexy even if he is like old enough to be my grandfather.

Hot...will always think so!

22. I'm addicted to MAC makeup...it's so wonderful!

I have several addictions, but at least this one isn't really hurting anything but my wallet;).

23. Last year was the worst year of my life thus far...I lost 2 grandparents, got my heart broken, my parents separated, and my brother almost died. I definitely know God is real because He helped me through those awful times.

I still feel like 2008 was the worst year of my life. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I fully believe that. I was strong when I didn't have it in me to be such, and I learned so much about life.

24. My mom still spoils me even though I'm almost 24 years old.

Still spoiled...but until I give her a grandchild, I think she'll continue to do so!

25. I miss living in Statesboro because I didn't have to live by someone else's rules...and I miss my Sarah!:(

Miss it more now than ever:(...

DWF-Part 2 (Warning- NOT PG!)

(DWF=Dating While Fat for those who didn't read my earlier blog on it!)

Saturday night, I had a very traumatizing experience while on a date. Before I get to it, though, let me tell you some background info: M had added me on Facebook a few months ago, and I accepted it because we had a ton of friends in common and I figured I just wasn't remembering him from high school. Last Tuesday night, he emailed me via Facebook and we started chatting. That led to phone calls and text messages. I knew he was a big flirt, but thought he was pretty harmless. We wound up making plans to go out on Saturday night.

Now that you're up to speed, let me tell you about the date. It started out fine, or so I thought. He kissed me on the lips before I had a chance to stop him, though, and that should've been a red flag right there. When I informed him that I don't kiss guys on the first date, he told me to just consider it a friendly kiss then. Whaattt? Last time I checked I don't go around kissing guy friends. Anyhoo, he took me to dinner and then we decided to go back to my condo and just relax with a couple of beers. Almost immediately he tried to get me to sleep with him! I was appalled, needless to say. Has our society become THAT slutty that a guy expects sex on the first date? What amazes me is that he had the gall to even ask after I told him I don't even kiss guys on the first date. Did he expect me to jump into bed with him, thinking that sure, sex on a first date is fine but kissing is DEFINITELY not?!

Too often, in my opinion, guys think that bigger girls must be desperate and therefore will sleep with any and everyone. Sorry, not this one. It's MY body and I choose who I do and do not sleep with. I'm not a prude, mind you, but I consider sex to be little more personal, and I'd prefer to know a guy a bit longer than a week before I sleep with him. M left when I went upstairs to use the restroom because I wouldn't go upstairs to my room with him. How mature, right? I did text him and tell him basically that I couldn't believe he left the way he did, and he texted me back that he was sorry, and he respected my decision to not sleep with him, but he's never been turned down before and expects sex on the first date. Wow someone's full of themselves! There's a first time for everything, and I'm proud to be the first chick to put a little dent in M's overinflated ego!

I will give M a little credit-he did email me the next morning and apologize for his actions. He told me that I'm going to make some guy very happy one day. I have no doubt in my mind that I will, but I have to wonder if there truly are any nice guys left who DON'T expect so much on a first date...if you happen to find one, throw him my way!

It's just hair...or so I thought

I'm not big on getting my hair cut. I know you're "supposed" to have it done about every 6 weeks, but that's never been something I've done. I guess I REALLY went overboard this time, because I let it grow for almost a year and a half before even having so much as a trim! I had my hair highlighted over a month ago, but kept it long. The highlighting process was not very kind to my hair-it dried out the already-frizzy ends, and I had to condition it daily (whereas before, maybe twice a week). Thursday afternoon, my hairstylist Vanessa asked if I was ready to get my hair cut off. I had contemplated it a couple of weeks before, when my mom got hers trimmed, so she knew it was on my mind. At first I told her no, but then after talking it over with my mom, decided to go for it. I know it sounds like so much drama over just a freaking hair cut, but my hair has ALWAYS been my pride and joy. When nothing else looked good on my body, I knew I could count on my hair. In a way, I think I hid behind it as well. However, Thursday evening, I shed about 5 inches from my hair, but it also felt like I shed about 5 lbs.! It's amazing how something as a haircut can totally transform the way you feel about yourself (not to mention how others perceive you!). I see a more mature person now, and I definitely feel more confident...

Baking cakes...and making memories

August 6 is going to be such a blah day for me, as it has been for the past 2 years. You see, it's my late grandmother's birthday. She would've been 74 years old, and even now the pain is still fresh. I know that I'm an emotional eater, and if I'm depressed, I turn to food for comfort. My goal is to be extra-vigilant that day because I know I'm going to want to do anything to comfort myself. I'll want to be alone, I'm sure, even though I don't think that's the wisest thing. Tears stream down my face even as I write this, because I think of how much food played a part in our very close relationship. She was the one who taught me how to cook/bake. My mother (her daughter) somehow lacks the ability (and motivation) to create such wonderful cakes and pies as Granny Price did. Maybe it skips a generation, because I am forever faithful to have that capability instilled within me. Mind you, mine are NOWHERE near her level, but I hope one day I can be somewhere near that amazing.

Back to the cooking, though-Granny had me in the kitchen at a very early age, helping break eggs and measure sugar, sift flour, and mix up the most amazing cakes you've ever put in your mouth. If someone needed a cake for a special occasion, they asked my grandmother to whip up a Red Velvet or one of her famous poundcakes. She never met a cake that she couldn't make. I remember one time, as I got older, I was doing most of the work and she was "supervising" while washing dishes (she was old-fashioned and refused to let my grandfather install a dishwasher). We were making a coconut cake, and because it's so moist, it has a tendency to fall apart on you. It did just that, and I was on the verge of tears. She took over for a few minutes and started piecing the cake back together. By the time she had finished her work, it was gorgeous again. I think in a lot of ways, I'm like that cake. I fall apart sometimes, and then someone comes along and just reminds me that it's not nearly as bad as it seems sometimes. Granny had that uncanny ability as well-she rescued me more than once, whether it was her telling me she would pray about a test I was about to take while in college or paying for something for me. She was my biggest cheerleader when it came to weight loss. She paid for me to go to Curves for over a year, and I'm ashamed to say, I really didn't take advantage of it. I went, but not as much as I should. I did their 6-week "Biggest Loser" challenge and lost 25lbs., but within a year had gained it back, plus more. My biggest regret is not losing weight before she passed away in March of 2008. I have faith, though, that she's looking down on me from Heaven and smiling and saying, "You're doing so good Audi! I'm so proud of you!"

Today, my grandfather called me. He's moved on (as my grandmother wanted him to), and he told me how proud Brenda-his fiancee-is of me. He says she's so proud of me, and that he is as well. If I can't have my Granny Price here, I know I have a heck of a soon-to-be step-grandma that's going to try her best to encourage me. I'm fortunate to have/had 2 amazing "Grandma Price's" in my life, and that's the thought that's going to keep me working on my goal.

Poor, poor pitiful me...

Not much good news this week with regards to weight loss. I'm down 31lbs., but frustrated that it's not coming off quite as quickly as I think it should. I started the 30 Day Shred last weekend, and while I do feel like it's maybe toning muscles that haven't been toned in quite a while, I thought I'd drop a few more lbs. than I have. Oh well. I did go shopping this morning and got a nice little surprise-I fit into a smaller size in jeans! They're snug right now, but they're skinny jeans so I guess that's the whole premise of those. I purposely bought them a little tighter because I can't afford to buy a new pair of jeans every time mine get too big. However, since Old Navy had them for only FIFTEEN bucks, it definitely isn't out of my budget (ha...should say my mother's budget since I'm not currently working a steady job) to buy a new pair for every size I drop. I had kind of a "You REALLY suck" moment this morning in the dressing room, though, because my mother is now a size four. A mother-flipping FOUR. Granted the jeans DO have stretch in them, but still. All I could think was, "Oh my God, I have GOT to step it up!" That's pure motivation to me. While I have been eating healthy, and really sticking to it, I feel like I need to cut back on the carbs a little bit. I've been eating 2 pieces of whole-wheat toast versus one, "cheating" and having chips and salsa when I eat Mexican (okay, I'm sorry, but I won't give those up when I go out to eat...nope, not going to happen...EVER), and indulging in alcohol more often. The alcohol thing isn't such a big deal, because sometimes I even lose more weight when I drink (Cosmo even recently had an article on weight loss and red wine...can't remember the month, but I'm sure it's on their website). The Mexican food is a rarity even though I live within 5 minutes of 3 pretty decent ones. I had it last night with one of my best friends, and in the past, especially when I'm with her, I would tend to overindulge. However, last night I ate half my entree (just steak and onions, no tortillas), and ordered a small guacamole to accompany that. Guacamole is full of awesome-for-your-heart monounsaturated fats, so once in a while, I have no problem eating it. Like I said, I won't give up chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant, so yeah, I definitely ate them. Between my friend and I, we didn't even finish half a basket, so that's a minor victory.

This week, since I didn't lose much weight, I was kind of having a pity party for myself. I felt so unwanted and kind of lonely (at least for the first part of the week). I think I was sore and just not feeling 100%, and I let it affect my mood. I wound up emailing a former "friend", and let's just say I let him know that yes, he did hurt me. I did, however, also let him know that I'm happy and working on my body. I know the weight thing won't be an issue for him, because he explicitly told me he likes "chubby" girls. He was the first guy to make me feel 100% completely comfortable about my body, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. He was, however, the first guy to ever make me feel inferior intellectually. Just because I didn't have my bachelor's degree (yet...eventually I will finish it) or take a huge interest in reading non-fiction books like he did, he dropped me like a bad habit. Had I fallen for him? Um yes...BIG time. It hurt my self-esteem in ways I didn't know possible. I had had my heart broken before, sure, but that time it just felt different. So yeah, definite pity party, but it felt good to get a few things off my chest. Thursday, I went back and forth about whether or not I should go out with someone I had been talking to-both on the phone and text/IM-for a couple of weeks. We had had plans a couple of times prior, and unfortunately they both fell through (totally MY fault). By that evening, I figured I had nothing to lose, and we met up at a new-ish bar near my place. I had my favorite beer (Leffe Blond Pale Ale...AMAZINGLY yummy!), and a great night out with a true gentleman! I know what I said about foregoing dating until I reach my goal weight, but methinks that might have been a little harsh. Will I be able to give someone 100% of my attention? No way. Will I be able to go out, have a good time, and have someone who actually LISTENS to me? Sure:). So for now, I'm just enjoying the ride...

30 Down!

I'm FINALLY down 30lbs. It only took what, 3-ish months?! I guess I shouldn't be complaining since I'm doing it the "right way" versus some crash diet. I finally took my measurements this morning as well. Thanks to my genetics, my hips and waist are within an inch of being the same exact measurement...so not thrilled about that. I claim to be "curvy" but in reality I'm built like a chubby teen boy (including the boobs, except I happen to think I have nice ones!). How appealing does that sound? ha. Yesterday (Sunday) I, along with my mom, began Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I hadn't worked out in 2 weeks (Sarah was here for a week and then I was sick/had my period...yuck), so I was slightly rusty. If you're not familiar with the Shred, it's a 20ish minute workout dvd that has you doing 3 six minute circuits consisting of 3 minutes of strength exercises, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of ab work (plus a warm-up/cool down). Michaels claims that you can lose up to 20lbs. in 30 days...we'll see! Earlier in the day, I had decided I was beyond my 3lb. hand weights and needed to go up to 5lbs. Yeah freaking right. By the end of the workout, I was drenched in sweat and my arms and legs felt like Jello, plus I was panting like a dog. My mom kept yelling at Jillian to shut up-THAT would've been hilarious had I not been in pain and out of breath. Climbing up and down our stairs last night and this morning was pretty much torture. However, seeing the scale go down another lb. was totally worth all that sweat and pain! I am going to try and hit 70lbs. total lost by Oct. 23, but I'm not sure if that's all that realistic or not. To all the people who are encouraging me, you have no idea how much it means to me, and it keeps me motivated, so a great big THANK YOU to you:).

DWF

DWF-Dating While Fat. I know that sounds like such a weird thing to start out with, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. There seems to be two distinct type of guys-guys who have no problem dating a bigger chick, and guys who won't even give us bigger chicks a chance. My problem is, the guys that like me, I usually don't like, and the ones that I like, don't like me. I've had boyfriends, sure, and even said those 3 scary little words to a couple of guys, but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out. I've been told by a guy friend that I'm too picky. Do I not have a right to be picky when it comes to choosing someone I could potentially spend the rest of my life with? I will say this, the guy that said that, I've liked for years. He and I have went round and round about dating. There's been many a tear shed during (thanks PMS) certain phone conversations about him not wanting to date me. I think I hear only what I want to sometimes. I hear "I don't want you because you're fat." What's he really saying? "I'm not dating you because we live 2+ hours apart and I have full custody of my son and therefore have little time to pursue you." My head knows that that's logical, but my heart doesn't always understand that. A small part of me wonders how it's going to be when I'm fit (and foxy! haha), and if he'll suddenly change his mind. We talk a lot (going over my cell phone minutes is proof of that!), but the talks aren't what they used to be a few months ago simply because my whole outlook on things has changed since I began this lifestyle transformation. A person can only take rejection so much before they move on. I think it almost bothers him that I'm not as into him as much as I was, but I refuse to be a 25 year old WOMAN chasing after a man like some high school girl.

Back in April when I made this commitment to losing weight and leading a healthier lifestyle, I also made a commitment to staying single. There's been a couple of guys who I thought there might be potential with for more, but they got tossed in the friendship pile before it got serious because I just couldn't let myself fall for anyone right now. It's almost like I see guys as obstacles in the way of my goal(s). I know too many women who've started dating someone and then let themselves go. A good friend of mine started dating someone right after she'd lost about 60lbs., and promptly gained it all back due to poor eating habits. I think with your partner, it's great if you reach the level of comfort that you can be makeup-free and hair a mess, but don't you want to live a healthy and long life together? I want someone who encourages me, but doesn't criticize, someone who's my biggest cheerleader...yet at the same time sees me as a person, not some number on a scale.

Such a slacker...and a shopper

Last week was a challenge for me. A friend from college was in town visiting with me Monday through Friday, and thus my whole "routine" got thrown for quite a loop. I didn't exercise AT ALL:(. Major slacker, I know. We did walk around a lot in stores, but I didn't get the feeling I get from a good run or or weight session. We stayed at the pool each day for a few hours and frankly, that was my time to relax, not worry about my weight. The one place I really stuck to my goals was with eating. I had my normal breakfast each morning, and then we mainly ate out for lunch and dinner. I did cook a few times (turkey burgers one night, grilled rosemary-balsamic chicken another night, and grilled chicken on Friday before S left), but it was nice to take a break from cooking and let someone else handle it. I was able to find semi-healthy (some stuff was REALLY healthy, though!) food wherever we ate. I had grilled shrimp twice (Applebee's and Gnat's Landing), and though I used to hate it, I've fallen back in love with it! It's so low in both fat and calories, and the little kid in me thinks it's pretty fun to eat as well:). I did splurge a few times-I had corn bread muffins (yes, with an "s" on the end...1 1/2 to be more exact) at Cracker Barrel, white rice at Applebee's (but it came with the low-cal meal), and white bread (the hoagie at Gnat's for my grilled shrimp po'boy). Could I have eaten better? Sure. I live by the whole 80/20 rule, though; as long as I'm eating well 80% of the time, 20% of the time it's okay to live a little and have something somewhat "forbidden." Hell, I even had a biscuit last night at Red Lobster, and let me just tell you, it was worth every gram of fat (8g, according to their website) and calorie (150 of those babies) in it! Regardless, I didn't gain any weight back (just maintained), so that's a major plus in my eyes!

Kind of switching topics, but I now have something to work extra-hard for this fall; a new dress to wear to my grandfather's wedding! He and his lovely fiancee are getting married October 23, and I want to lose as much weight as possible before then. My mom and went shopping today (our favorite activity, so it seems haha), and while I saw several cute dresses, I couldn't commit to one quite yet. I won't even commit to a new pair of jeans at this point, because I'm hoping that by the time I get ready to wear them (for this hot-natured chick, it'll be November!), I'll be down a few sizes. I'm so picky about jeans because I have no hips nor a big ass, and therefore most jeans just don't fit right. It's so discouraging to go into a dressing room and think something's going to fit just right, and it's either too tight or too loose. It's almost like I'm between sizes right now. I did get a few cute new things today (if you love the GAP, they have 40% off sale merchandise right now!), but I try to buy it slightly snug so I can get more use out of it. My mom is a size 6-8, so I'm hoping to be down to that size (IF my body so allows) by the end of next summer. It sure would be sweet to be able to share clothing with her! Yes, I said it-my mom wears adorable stuff sometimes, and that way I could justify paying $54 for a shirt at Loft:). Right now, I'm relegated to the sales rack...sigh.

Finally a picture!

Down another lb. for a total of 28lbs. lost thus far! Someone suggested I need to put pictures up, and while I hate taking pictures of myself (but I'm obsessed with the mirror...weird), I guess I need to put a few up. I'll start with one I took last night. I actually was pretty pleased with the way I look in it versus where I was a few months ago. I don't think I even have any pictures from that time period, save for a few face pictures. I'm also going to start measuring my arms, waist, hips, and legs, because I know that when I'm not seeing the scale budge even a tenth of a lb., if I see that I've lost 1/2 an inch or whatever from my body it'll make me feel a heck of a lot better. One of my friends from college is visiting this week (Hi Sarah!), so while exercise might not be on the agenda every day, I'm going to try and be extra-vigilant on the eating. I tried another awesome recipe from the Hungry Girl cocktail cookbook this weekend; if you like spinach-artichoke dip, you'll LOVE Lillien's version of it! I eat it with baked whole-wheat tortilla chips (I just buy the tortillas, cut them into triangles, and then bake until crispy), and let's just say it's pretty much the most amazing stuff I've ever put in my mouth:).

Hard-earned, but oh so sweet

For the all the self-loathing I did in the last post, this one should a relatively positive one! I got on the scales this morning, and not only did I lose the weight I had gained over the holidays, I'm down another lb. for a total of 27lbs. lost! I have worked out 3 days in a row (go me!), and have been sticking to a pretty sensible diet. Breakfast is the easy part for me; I'll eat a low-fat Pop Tart, a VitaTop (those things are seriously amazing! Chocolate for breakfast + only 100 calories=heavenly!), or occasionally a whole-wheat scone. I used to ALWAYS have to have some form of protein for breakfast, and that usually was something stuffed inside a biscuit from Chick-fil-a or the Bread Basket. I really thought I would miss those things, but in all honesty, I don't. I've had one Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit since April, and it really wasn't as great as I remembered it. Lunch and dinner are pretty interchangeable to me. I don't eat "better" at one than I do the other, unless I totally splurge at lunch. Sometimes I'll eat a salad from Zaxby's (House, grilled chicken, no cheese or fried onions, toss the bread, and I use my own fat-free ranch dressing) or have a pre-packaged meal from Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice; other times I'll eat leftovers from the night before. Since I live with my mother, I am usually cooking for 2 versus just myself, so it's a lot easier to prepare something more elaborate. Last night, for example, I made an awesome (yes, I'm bragging on myself, because it WAS!) turkey meatloaf, steamed cauliflower, and fried okra. Yeah, I said it-FRIED. However, I used just enough oil (vegetable oil, because 1-we had it on hand, and 2-I don't like the taste of olive oil on certain foods) to barely coat the pan...maybe 1 tsp. I lightly breaded the okra with whole-wheat flour (my new favorite food find!), and pan-fried it until slightly browned. My mom love love loves okra, so she was ecstatic to have that again. I guess the point of all this is to say that I can eat pretty much whatever I want, but with modifications. I still get to have sweets (dessert last night was strawberries and light Reddi-Whip!), but I eat smarter. At the suggestion of a really sweet person (Thanks KW!), I am now soft drink free during the week. I thought I'd miss them, but I really don't. I'm drinking more and more water (I've always drank it, but not necessarily as much as I should've!), and flushing impurities out of my system. I think I mentioned an awesome low-fat squash-zucchini casserole recipe in my first blog post, and since I'm making it again tonight, I figured I'd share it here (I'm also going to attempt a low-fat blackberry cobbler, so I'll post the results of that soon!). Let me know if you make it and love/hate it!

Low-fat Squash-Zucchini Casserole

2 medium zucchini, cut into 1/4-1/2 inch rounds
2 medium/3-4 small squash, cut into 1/4-1/2 inch rounds
1/2 cup chopped Vidalia (or other sweet) onion
Cooking spray/spray "butter'' (I use the kind by Parkay)
1/2 cup Greek yogurt OR fat-free sour cream (can use a little more to reach desired level of creaminess, but that's the amount I prefer)
1/4 cup reduced fat Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup 2% sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 sleeve Whole-wheat Ritz crackers, crushed and sprayed with cooking spray or spray "butter"
Salt/pepper, to taste

Saute zucchini, squash, and onion in a pan coated with cooking spray/butter until really soft, but not completely mushy. Stir in Greek yogurt or fat-free sour cream, Parmesan cheese, cheddar cheese, salt and pepper, and then place in a casserole dish that has been coated with cooking spray. Top with crushed Ritz crackers and bake at 350 degrees for approximately 30 minutes, or until Ritz crackers are browned and casserole is bubbly.(note: oven times/temperatures may vary, so you might have to cook a little longer!). This recipe will serve 4 (or 2 huge portions, but I'm not advocating that!). Happy Healthy Eating!

Happy (Belated) Birthday America! (but not so happy weight gain...grr)

I so slacked over the holiday weekend, let me just say that. It wasn't necessarily WHAT I ate, but I definitely ate more of the healthy stuff than I should have. Amazing how low-fat/fat-free stuff can sabotage you just as much as the bad stuff. I had lost another lb. before the weekend (so a total of 26), but after consuming steak, baked beans, angel food cake (wish the calories in it were angelic and floated on up out of it...sigh), a ton of frozen raspberries, and snacks, I wound up GAINING:(. Like I said in my first post, I knew there'd be setbacks, but to have eaten mostly healthy foods and nothing really bad (well I guess steak isn't THAT healthy, nor are the sugar-laden baked beans), it was kind of a let-down. I had a discussion via text message on Sunday with a guy friend of mine who, while pretty fit, admits to having incredible cravings sometimes. I think it makes me feel a teensy bit better to know that I'm not the only one who isn't always satisfied with a piece of fruit or a bottle of water (and hello, who really DOES get satisfied with a bottle of water?!). There's simply some things I refuse to give up, like my Sprite Zero and Diet Coke. Bad for you? Yes. Laden with calories? No. To me, the fact that they have no calories is a major plus, and I feel like as long as I don't consume them endlessly (I have 1, maybe 2 per day) they're not doing me all that much harm. This is where the aforementioned guy friend and I disagree; his doctor says they're worse than regular soft drinks, but I've also heard doctors say that they're not that bad either. Who knows? If I was to drink the regular versions of them, I'd be consuming about 200-300 extra calories per day, and to me, that's not worth it at all. I think a lifestyle change is all about give-and-take. Am I going to be perfect always? Heck no. Am I going in the right direction? Most of the time, sure, with a few twists and turns along the way...and I'm pretty content with that right now.

Shameless plug, but if you aren't already getting emails from Hungry Girl, you definitely should! Hungry Girl sends out emails Mon-Fri (minus holidays) filled with recipes, healthier alternatives to fatty foods, and lets you know about awesome new healthy products! I bought Lisa Lillien's (Hungry Girl herself) cocktail cookbook a couple of weeks ago, and it's got some awesome healthy party foods in it...I made low-fat pigs-in-a-blanket over the weekend, and they're YUM!

Background Info

I read somewhere that if you post your intentions, they become easier to stick with, hence why I created this blog. Back in April of this year, I got fed up with being...fat. I've been overweight my entire life, and started (and stopped) numerous diets. Diets don't work, period. You can only stick with something restrictive for so long before you go off them and gain weight back as soon as you start eating "normally." Normal for so many people includes chips, cookies, fried foods, etc. I know that those things, in MODERATION, aren't necessarily bad things. However, when you have no willpower against those godawful things, moderation goes to hell in a handbasket! I finally decided to be proactive and go for a complete lifestyle change. It was rather drastic at first; I got my mom to go along with it, since I currently reside with her. She was all for it, but unlike me, she had very little weight to lose. Having a partner made/is making it a lot easier, though. When we started out, we cut out fried foods, all white bread/pasta/sugar, pork, and beef. We allowed ourselves no snacks, and were basically starving for the first couple of weeks. Gradually over the past few months, I've discovered healthy snacks (in portion-controlled bags, mind you) so starving is no longer part of the picture, thank God. June 29, I hit a milestone in my weight loss. I am finally down 25lbs.! The thing that gets me is, I could've been down a lot more had I started exercising more frequently. Exercise has always been torturous for me. I hated feeling out of breath and having my whole body hurt. I've been doing it more regularly now, but at first, I would exercise maybe twice a week, if that. My mind usually starts screaming at me that I'm going to fall out and die from lack of oxygen while I'm doing it, but the rush I get after completing my usual 30 minutes is awesome! Any and all encouragement is greatly appreciated, and if I can be of any encouragement to YOU, please let me know! I plan on using this blog to give updates on my weight loss, my defeats (because I know I'll have them), and me being a FOOD lover, I'll also share favorite recipes of mine that I've made over to be healthier (I made an awesome squash-zucchini casserole tonight!).