Open Letter to an Ex...Thank You!

I've been needing to get this out for a while, so I'm going to go ahead. This is an open letter to an ex-boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he'll never see it, but there's a lot that I wish I could say to him, just for closure's sake.

Life's changed so much for the both of us, and I really hope your life is happy. Mine is getting better every day, but not sure you'd even care. What I really want to tell you is this: I wasn't in a good place in my life when I met you, and I wish you could see the person I am today. The woman I am today is still self-conscious about her looks, but she's losing weight and becoming more confident with every pound shed. The woman I am today isn't afraid her man is cheating on her with someone else. I'm no longer feeling like I have to say "I love you" two or three days into a relationship just because a guy says it (and the guys I associate with don't just jump into something that quickly!). I'm no longer having panic attacks from merely going to the grocery store (even though I still despise it!) or worrying about my boyfriend not calling me all weekend. I still enjoy taking care of a guy; I thought after our relationship ended I would never do a thing for another man, but I can't change that part of my being. The biggest-and most important!-thing I want you to know is that your comments about my weight (when you were obviously VERY overweight) only gave me more fuel to succeed, and for that I thank you. I'm no longer the weak, scared, lonely, depressed, fat girl you once loved and called your girlfriend (and yet talked to other women behind my back...ha how funny). I'm a strong, happy, smiley, cheerful, and not-quite-as-fat girl who no longer wants you!

Okay, so that probably sounded a little childish, but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. Happy note since I last posted-I'm down 38 (almost 39!) lbs.! I am kicking it up big time, because I have a month before my grandfather's wedding, and I want to be down 50lbs. by then!

DWF

DWF-Dating While Fat. I know that sounds like such a weird thing to start out with, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. There seems to be two distinct type of guys-guys who have no problem dating a bigger chick, and guys who won't even give us bigger chicks a chance. My problem is, the guys that like me, I usually don't like, and the ones that I like, don't like me. I've had boyfriends, sure, and even said those 3 scary little words to a couple of guys, but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out. I've been told by a guy friend that I'm too picky. Do I not have a right to be picky when it comes to choosing someone I could potentially spend the rest of my life with? I will say this, the guy that said that, I've liked for years. He and I have went round and round about dating. There's been many a tear shed during (thanks PMS) certain phone conversations about him not wanting to date me. I think I hear only what I want to sometimes. I hear "I don't want you because you're fat." What's he really saying? "I'm not dating you because we live 2+ hours apart and I have full custody of my son and therefore have little time to pursue you." My head knows that that's logical, but my heart doesn't always understand that. A small part of me wonders how it's going to be when I'm fit (and foxy! haha), and if he'll suddenly change his mind. We talk a lot (going over my cell phone minutes is proof of that!), but the talks aren't what they used to be a few months ago simply because my whole outlook on things has changed since I began this lifestyle transformation. A person can only take rejection so much before they move on. I think it almost bothers him that I'm not as into him as much as I was, but I refuse to be a 25 year old WOMAN chasing after a man like some high school girl.

Back in April when I made this commitment to losing weight and leading a healthier lifestyle, I also made a commitment to staying single. There's been a couple of guys who I thought there might be potential with for more, but they got tossed in the friendship pile before it got serious because I just couldn't let myself fall for anyone right now. It's almost like I see guys as obstacles in the way of my goal(s). I know too many women who've started dating someone and then let themselves go. A good friend of mine started dating someone right after she'd lost about 60lbs., and promptly gained it all back due to poor eating habits. I think with your partner, it's great if you reach the level of comfort that you can be makeup-free and hair a mess, but don't you want to live a healthy and long life together? I want someone who encourages me, but doesn't criticize, someone who's my biggest cheerleader...yet at the same time sees me as a person, not some number on a scale.