Poor, poor pitiful me...

Not much good news this week with regards to weight loss. I'm down 31lbs., but frustrated that it's not coming off quite as quickly as I think it should. I started the 30 Day Shred last weekend, and while I do feel like it's maybe toning muscles that haven't been toned in quite a while, I thought I'd drop a few more lbs. than I have. Oh well. I did go shopping this morning and got a nice little surprise-I fit into a smaller size in jeans! They're snug right now, but they're skinny jeans so I guess that's the whole premise of those. I purposely bought them a little tighter because I can't afford to buy a new pair of jeans every time mine get too big. However, since Old Navy had them for only FIFTEEN bucks, it definitely isn't out of my budget (ha...should say my mother's budget since I'm not currently working a steady job) to buy a new pair for every size I drop. I had kind of a "You REALLY suck" moment this morning in the dressing room, though, because my mother is now a size four. A mother-flipping FOUR. Granted the jeans DO have stretch in them, but still. All I could think was, "Oh my God, I have GOT to step it up!" That's pure motivation to me. While I have been eating healthy, and really sticking to it, I feel like I need to cut back on the carbs a little bit. I've been eating 2 pieces of whole-wheat toast versus one, "cheating" and having chips and salsa when I eat Mexican (okay, I'm sorry, but I won't give those up when I go out to eat...nope, not going to happen...EVER), and indulging in alcohol more often. The alcohol thing isn't such a big deal, because sometimes I even lose more weight when I drink (Cosmo even recently had an article on weight loss and red wine...can't remember the month, but I'm sure it's on their website). The Mexican food is a rarity even though I live within 5 minutes of 3 pretty decent ones. I had it last night with one of my best friends, and in the past, especially when I'm with her, I would tend to overindulge. However, last night I ate half my entree (just steak and onions, no tortillas), and ordered a small guacamole to accompany that. Guacamole is full of awesome-for-your-heart monounsaturated fats, so once in a while, I have no problem eating it. Like I said, I won't give up chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant, so yeah, I definitely ate them. Between my friend and I, we didn't even finish half a basket, so that's a minor victory.

This week, since I didn't lose much weight, I was kind of having a pity party for myself. I felt so unwanted and kind of lonely (at least for the first part of the week). I think I was sore and just not feeling 100%, and I let it affect my mood. I wound up emailing a former "friend", and let's just say I let him know that yes, he did hurt me. I did, however, also let him know that I'm happy and working on my body. I know the weight thing won't be an issue for him, because he explicitly told me he likes "chubby" girls. He was the first guy to make me feel 100% completely comfortable about my body, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. He was, however, the first guy to ever make me feel inferior intellectually. Just because I didn't have my bachelor's degree (yet...eventually I will finish it) or take a huge interest in reading non-fiction books like he did, he dropped me like a bad habit. Had I fallen for him? Um yes...BIG time. It hurt my self-esteem in ways I didn't know possible. I had had my heart broken before, sure, but that time it just felt different. So yeah, definite pity party, but it felt good to get a few things off my chest. Thursday, I went back and forth about whether or not I should go out with someone I had been talking to-both on the phone and text/IM-for a couple of weeks. We had had plans a couple of times prior, and unfortunately they both fell through (totally MY fault). By that evening, I figured I had nothing to lose, and we met up at a new-ish bar near my place. I had my favorite beer (Leffe Blond Pale Ale...AMAZINGLY yummy!), and a great night out with a true gentleman! I know what I said about foregoing dating until I reach my goal weight, but methinks that might have been a little harsh. Will I be able to give someone 100% of my attention? No way. Will I be able to go out, have a good time, and have someone who actually LISTENS to me? Sure:). So for now, I'm just enjoying the ride...

30 Down!

I'm FINALLY down 30lbs. It only took what, 3-ish months?! I guess I shouldn't be complaining since I'm doing it the "right way" versus some crash diet. I finally took my measurements this morning as well. Thanks to my genetics, my hips and waist are within an inch of being the same exact measurement...so not thrilled about that. I claim to be "curvy" but in reality I'm built like a chubby teen boy (including the boobs, except I happen to think I have nice ones!). How appealing does that sound? ha. Yesterday (Sunday) I, along with my mom, began Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I hadn't worked out in 2 weeks (Sarah was here for a week and then I was sick/had my period...yuck), so I was slightly rusty. If you're not familiar with the Shred, it's a 20ish minute workout dvd that has you doing 3 six minute circuits consisting of 3 minutes of strength exercises, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of ab work (plus a warm-up/cool down). Michaels claims that you can lose up to 20lbs. in 30 days...we'll see! Earlier in the day, I had decided I was beyond my 3lb. hand weights and needed to go up to 5lbs. Yeah freaking right. By the end of the workout, I was drenched in sweat and my arms and legs felt like Jello, plus I was panting like a dog. My mom kept yelling at Jillian to shut up-THAT would've been hilarious had I not been in pain and out of breath. Climbing up and down our stairs last night and this morning was pretty much torture. However, seeing the scale go down another lb. was totally worth all that sweat and pain! I am going to try and hit 70lbs. total lost by Oct. 23, but I'm not sure if that's all that realistic or not. To all the people who are encouraging me, you have no idea how much it means to me, and it keeps me motivated, so a great big THANK YOU to you:).

DWF

DWF-Dating While Fat. I know that sounds like such a weird thing to start out with, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. There seems to be two distinct type of guys-guys who have no problem dating a bigger chick, and guys who won't even give us bigger chicks a chance. My problem is, the guys that like me, I usually don't like, and the ones that I like, don't like me. I've had boyfriends, sure, and even said those 3 scary little words to a couple of guys, but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out. I've been told by a guy friend that I'm too picky. Do I not have a right to be picky when it comes to choosing someone I could potentially spend the rest of my life with? I will say this, the guy that said that, I've liked for years. He and I have went round and round about dating. There's been many a tear shed during (thanks PMS) certain phone conversations about him not wanting to date me. I think I hear only what I want to sometimes. I hear "I don't want you because you're fat." What's he really saying? "I'm not dating you because we live 2+ hours apart and I have full custody of my son and therefore have little time to pursue you." My head knows that that's logical, but my heart doesn't always understand that. A small part of me wonders how it's going to be when I'm fit (and foxy! haha), and if he'll suddenly change his mind. We talk a lot (going over my cell phone minutes is proof of that!), but the talks aren't what they used to be a few months ago simply because my whole outlook on things has changed since I began this lifestyle transformation. A person can only take rejection so much before they move on. I think it almost bothers him that I'm not as into him as much as I was, but I refuse to be a 25 year old WOMAN chasing after a man like some high school girl.

Back in April when I made this commitment to losing weight and leading a healthier lifestyle, I also made a commitment to staying single. There's been a couple of guys who I thought there might be potential with for more, but they got tossed in the friendship pile before it got serious because I just couldn't let myself fall for anyone right now. It's almost like I see guys as obstacles in the way of my goal(s). I know too many women who've started dating someone and then let themselves go. A good friend of mine started dating someone right after she'd lost about 60lbs., and promptly gained it all back due to poor eating habits. I think with your partner, it's great if you reach the level of comfort that you can be makeup-free and hair a mess, but don't you want to live a healthy and long life together? I want someone who encourages me, but doesn't criticize, someone who's my biggest cheerleader...yet at the same time sees me as a person, not some number on a scale.

Such a slacker...and a shopper

Last week was a challenge for me. A friend from college was in town visiting with me Monday through Friday, and thus my whole "routine" got thrown for quite a loop. I didn't exercise AT ALL:(. Major slacker, I know. We did walk around a lot in stores, but I didn't get the feeling I get from a good run or or weight session. We stayed at the pool each day for a few hours and frankly, that was my time to relax, not worry about my weight. The one place I really stuck to my goals was with eating. I had my normal breakfast each morning, and then we mainly ate out for lunch and dinner. I did cook a few times (turkey burgers one night, grilled rosemary-balsamic chicken another night, and grilled chicken on Friday before S left), but it was nice to take a break from cooking and let someone else handle it. I was able to find semi-healthy (some stuff was REALLY healthy, though!) food wherever we ate. I had grilled shrimp twice (Applebee's and Gnat's Landing), and though I used to hate it, I've fallen back in love with it! It's so low in both fat and calories, and the little kid in me thinks it's pretty fun to eat as well:). I did splurge a few times-I had corn bread muffins (yes, with an "s" on the end...1 1/2 to be more exact) at Cracker Barrel, white rice at Applebee's (but it came with the low-cal meal), and white bread (the hoagie at Gnat's for my grilled shrimp po'boy). Could I have eaten better? Sure. I live by the whole 80/20 rule, though; as long as I'm eating well 80% of the time, 20% of the time it's okay to live a little and have something somewhat "forbidden." Hell, I even had a biscuit last night at Red Lobster, and let me just tell you, it was worth every gram of fat (8g, according to their website) and calorie (150 of those babies) in it! Regardless, I didn't gain any weight back (just maintained), so that's a major plus in my eyes!

Kind of switching topics, but I now have something to work extra-hard for this fall; a new dress to wear to my grandfather's wedding! He and his lovely fiancee are getting married October 23, and I want to lose as much weight as possible before then. My mom and went shopping today (our favorite activity, so it seems haha), and while I saw several cute dresses, I couldn't commit to one quite yet. I won't even commit to a new pair of jeans at this point, because I'm hoping that by the time I get ready to wear them (for this hot-natured chick, it'll be November!), I'll be down a few sizes. I'm so picky about jeans because I have no hips nor a big ass, and therefore most jeans just don't fit right. It's so discouraging to go into a dressing room and think something's going to fit just right, and it's either too tight or too loose. It's almost like I'm between sizes right now. I did get a few cute new things today (if you love the GAP, they have 40% off sale merchandise right now!), but I try to buy it slightly snug so I can get more use out of it. My mom is a size 6-8, so I'm hoping to be down to that size (IF my body so allows) by the end of next summer. It sure would be sweet to be able to share clothing with her! Yes, I said it-my mom wears adorable stuff sometimes, and that way I could justify paying $54 for a shirt at Loft:). Right now, I'm relegated to the sales rack...sigh.

Finally a picture!

Down another lb. for a total of 28lbs. lost thus far! Someone suggested I need to put pictures up, and while I hate taking pictures of myself (but I'm obsessed with the mirror...weird), I guess I need to put a few up. I'll start with one I took last night. I actually was pretty pleased with the way I look in it versus where I was a few months ago. I don't think I even have any pictures from that time period, save for a few face pictures. I'm also going to start measuring my arms, waist, hips, and legs, because I know that when I'm not seeing the scale budge even a tenth of a lb., if I see that I've lost 1/2 an inch or whatever from my body it'll make me feel a heck of a lot better. One of my friends from college is visiting this week (Hi Sarah!), so while exercise might not be on the agenda every day, I'm going to try and be extra-vigilant on the eating. I tried another awesome recipe from the Hungry Girl cocktail cookbook this weekend; if you like spinach-artichoke dip, you'll LOVE Lillien's version of it! I eat it with baked whole-wheat tortilla chips (I just buy the tortillas, cut them into triangles, and then bake until crispy), and let's just say it's pretty much the most amazing stuff I've ever put in my mouth:).

Hard-earned, but oh so sweet

For the all the self-loathing I did in the last post, this one should a relatively positive one! I got on the scales this morning, and not only did I lose the weight I had gained over the holidays, I'm down another lb. for a total of 27lbs. lost! I have worked out 3 days in a row (go me!), and have been sticking to a pretty sensible diet. Breakfast is the easy part for me; I'll eat a low-fat Pop Tart, a VitaTop (those things are seriously amazing! Chocolate for breakfast + only 100 calories=heavenly!), or occasionally a whole-wheat scone. I used to ALWAYS have to have some form of protein for breakfast, and that usually was something stuffed inside a biscuit from Chick-fil-a or the Bread Basket. I really thought I would miss those things, but in all honesty, I don't. I've had one Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit since April, and it really wasn't as great as I remembered it. Lunch and dinner are pretty interchangeable to me. I don't eat "better" at one than I do the other, unless I totally splurge at lunch. Sometimes I'll eat a salad from Zaxby's (House, grilled chicken, no cheese or fried onions, toss the bread, and I use my own fat-free ranch dressing) or have a pre-packaged meal from Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice; other times I'll eat leftovers from the night before. Since I live with my mother, I am usually cooking for 2 versus just myself, so it's a lot easier to prepare something more elaborate. Last night, for example, I made an awesome (yes, I'm bragging on myself, because it WAS!) turkey meatloaf, steamed cauliflower, and fried okra. Yeah, I said it-FRIED. However, I used just enough oil (vegetable oil, because 1-we had it on hand, and 2-I don't like the taste of olive oil on certain foods) to barely coat the pan...maybe 1 tsp. I lightly breaded the okra with whole-wheat flour (my new favorite food find!), and pan-fried it until slightly browned. My mom love love loves okra, so she was ecstatic to have that again. I guess the point of all this is to say that I can eat pretty much whatever I want, but with modifications. I still get to have sweets (dessert last night was strawberries and light Reddi-Whip!), but I eat smarter. At the suggestion of a really sweet person (Thanks KW!), I am now soft drink free during the week. I thought I'd miss them, but I really don't. I'm drinking more and more water (I've always drank it, but not necessarily as much as I should've!), and flushing impurities out of my system. I think I mentioned an awesome low-fat squash-zucchini casserole recipe in my first blog post, and since I'm making it again tonight, I figured I'd share it here (I'm also going to attempt a low-fat blackberry cobbler, so I'll post the results of that soon!). Let me know if you make it and love/hate it!

Low-fat Squash-Zucchini Casserole

2 medium zucchini, cut into 1/4-1/2 inch rounds
2 medium/3-4 small squash, cut into 1/4-1/2 inch rounds
1/2 cup chopped Vidalia (or other sweet) onion
Cooking spray/spray "butter'' (I use the kind by Parkay)
1/2 cup Greek yogurt OR fat-free sour cream (can use a little more to reach desired level of creaminess, but that's the amount I prefer)
1/4 cup reduced fat Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup 2% sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 sleeve Whole-wheat Ritz crackers, crushed and sprayed with cooking spray or spray "butter"
Salt/pepper, to taste

Saute zucchini, squash, and onion in a pan coated with cooking spray/butter until really soft, but not completely mushy. Stir in Greek yogurt or fat-free sour cream, Parmesan cheese, cheddar cheese, salt and pepper, and then place in a casserole dish that has been coated with cooking spray. Top with crushed Ritz crackers and bake at 350 degrees for approximately 30 minutes, or until Ritz crackers are browned and casserole is bubbly.(note: oven times/temperatures may vary, so you might have to cook a little longer!). This recipe will serve 4 (or 2 huge portions, but I'm not advocating that!). Happy Healthy Eating!

Happy (Belated) Birthday America! (but not so happy weight gain...grr)

I so slacked over the holiday weekend, let me just say that. It wasn't necessarily WHAT I ate, but I definitely ate more of the healthy stuff than I should have. Amazing how low-fat/fat-free stuff can sabotage you just as much as the bad stuff. I had lost another lb. before the weekend (so a total of 26), but after consuming steak, baked beans, angel food cake (wish the calories in it were angelic and floated on up out of it...sigh), a ton of frozen raspberries, and snacks, I wound up GAINING:(. Like I said in my first post, I knew there'd be setbacks, but to have eaten mostly healthy foods and nothing really bad (well I guess steak isn't THAT healthy, nor are the sugar-laden baked beans), it was kind of a let-down. I had a discussion via text message on Sunday with a guy friend of mine who, while pretty fit, admits to having incredible cravings sometimes. I think it makes me feel a teensy bit better to know that I'm not the only one who isn't always satisfied with a piece of fruit or a bottle of water (and hello, who really DOES get satisfied with a bottle of water?!). There's simply some things I refuse to give up, like my Sprite Zero and Diet Coke. Bad for you? Yes. Laden with calories? No. To me, the fact that they have no calories is a major plus, and I feel like as long as I don't consume them endlessly (I have 1, maybe 2 per day) they're not doing me all that much harm. This is where the aforementioned guy friend and I disagree; his doctor says they're worse than regular soft drinks, but I've also heard doctors say that they're not that bad either. Who knows? If I was to drink the regular versions of them, I'd be consuming about 200-300 extra calories per day, and to me, that's not worth it at all. I think a lifestyle change is all about give-and-take. Am I going to be perfect always? Heck no. Am I going in the right direction? Most of the time, sure, with a few twists and turns along the way...and I'm pretty content with that right now.

Shameless plug, but if you aren't already getting emails from Hungry Girl, you definitely should! Hungry Girl sends out emails Mon-Fri (minus holidays) filled with recipes, healthier alternatives to fatty foods, and lets you know about awesome new healthy products! I bought Lisa Lillien's (Hungry Girl herself) cocktail cookbook a couple of weeks ago, and it's got some awesome healthy party foods in it...I made low-fat pigs-in-a-blanket over the weekend, and they're YUM!